Many months back I ended up yelling at my husband that he in fact broke me and that’s why I am so messed up. Harsh words, to put that on someone.
But was there truth to it and that was his turning point in his behavior. There seemed to be some kind of light bulb moment, a come to Jesus moment (if you will), and he started being kind, understanding, and empathic.
Can I place all my mental health issues on his shoulders? No, we both know that. But, my OCD was not very noticeable until doomsday, as it were. That moment in time, when my world came crashing down and I experienced a massive emotional trauma, really did break me into just former pieces of what I once was.
I’ve come a long way from the girl (woman) laying on her bathroom floor crying because my intrusive thoughts were so unbearable I just wanted to die. But I’m also pretty far from normal just yet, if I ever will be.
Like today, I’m in tears for no reason. I got to thinking if I’ll ever not be triggered by certain things, if there will be a day where I won’t have doubts pop into my head that take me down a rabbit hole.
I want to say that yes, in time I’ll heal. It’s been almost 3 years come this April that my world crashed around me. Perhaps in 3 more years I’ll be in that place of being healed. Mostly.
It’s the OCD part of me that makes it difficult. That part is the part that latches on to a thought and holds on, instead of dismissing it as just a thought. I take something someone says and run it through my mind for days (weeks, months…).
This week I’ve decided to go sell the gold and diamond jewelry my husband bought me during the time period he was a scoundrel. I can’t wear the gold because I look at it and know he bought a bracelet for someone else (at the same time, under my nose). I can’t look at my diamond jewelry without knowing he was unhappy during that time and bribing me with jewelry to make me happy, not giving me a gift out of love.
They’re just material things anyways that hold no value to me other than painful reminders. Plus, I need the money very badly since I’ve been unable to work much and my business is failing (that’s for another post). I don’t wear flashy or expensive things normally anyways, despite my husband joking that I’m high maintenance.
I know deep down I won’t always suffer such traumatic responses to certain triggers and end up a ball of tears, or have my OCD triggered and walk around doing my compulsions. I kinda just wish I knew when, so I could fix that date in mind and say, “Ok girl, you just have to make it to May 2023 and you’re good!”
Too bad recovery doesn’t work that way. Would knowing how long emotional recovery takes, like physical recovery from an accident, be helpful in the recovery process?
My own opinion is yes, since goals or endings are motivating. But alas, everyone is different and what works for you won’t necessarily work for me.
Baby steps for this girl, at this point, as that’s all I can do. Move forward one step at a time.
ETA: God only knows.