Reflection: Hiding my Scars

It’s been 2 days. It feels like years. That I sent an email to my Pastor and I’m awaiting a response. I normally have the patience of a Saint, truly. It’s why I work with difficult beings who try your patience. God blessed me.

But wow, this has my anxiety through the flippin’ roof. Sky high. I feel it in my chest, shoulders, neck and arms.

And my mind is just being awful to me. I just don’t even want to go there.

Why?

Is the reassurance seeking part of the OCD? The anxious part that fears he thinks I’m absolutely insane and he is trying to figure out a way to extricate himself from the situation of dealing with me. I think that is a really big fear to be honest. Every time I reach out to him, it’s instant regret that I’ve maybe not should have, he’s going to wish I left him alone, I am a weird crazy girl. Then the thoughts of being stupid and horrible, because I sent the email.

I want to stop emailing him. I actually don’t want to go to church tomorrow as well.

Ok, I do want to go to church. But I don’t want to. It’s so hard to explain the urge to run away. I’m sure I am not the only person who has felt this in response to an anxiety causing situation.

I’m very sad though because my anxiety is so high currently I’ve been having the urge to self-harm. Then there’s the fear that I’ll give in to the urge.

That urge has led me to more self-reflection, which there has been a plethora of lately.

What are you hiding?

This morning I attempted some more ERP therapy sitting outside the church. I pulled in and was ok for like 1 minute, until 2 other ladies pulled in as well. The more people, the higher my anxiety. I lasted maybe 15 minutes and then just couldn’t handle it and started crying and drove away.

This led to a bit of self reflecting of what am I hiding from people. Why do I not want them to get close, if I think maybe they aren’t so bad? Do I feel they maybe will judge me?

I have a forearm sleeve of tattoos on one arm. It’s very colorful, pretty, and not obscene in the slightest. It hides some of my scars. Some show through but that cannot be helped. I would very much like my other arm done as well, as I also have scars I would like hidden.

Do I feel they are judging the tattoos? Hmm, not so much. Perhaps the scars. They have faded somewhat over the years and some can be explained away due to my profession. However, if you get close enough to me and actually LOOK, you will see they are shapes and you can tell a human must have put them there.

I used to wear long sleeves forever. It took years for my scars to fade enough that I felt I could wear short sleeves and keep people spaced far enough away. Now they can get close but not like…”examine” me lol. Not that I think they will use a magnifying glass to scrutinize my body, but just the right glance and that’s all it takes.

Do I worry what they think? Yes. I admit I do. I don’t want to, but I can’t help it. I don’t want anyone thinking bad things about me, or even pitying me. For some reason the thought of pity or someone feeling bad/sad for me makes me feel so bad myself. Not that I want anyone to delight in my awful history, but well…I don’t like pity.

So I hide myself and my past.

I really need my other sleeve done. I foolishly think that’ll let me feel more confident (hiding scars), but…maybe there will at least be a placebo effect. If I believe it, it will happen.

If I can find an artist that will draw up my tattoo concept and then execute said concept, we shall see.