Some of my longer time readers know more details about my OCD than others. Notably that one compulsion I had struggled with in times passed was taking long drives and listening to music on repeat. I’m talking about the same song – dozens and dozens (hundreds?) of times. I would listen to the same song for a period of months, and usually a song that was very “emo” and not healthy to keep listening to on repeat. A wallowing in emotions, in order to ruminate, that would relieve my anxiety related to my OCD.
I hadn’t done so in a long time, though my car had wanted me to.
No I’m not crazy.
There was a song that had made my repeat list some time back. It actually made it into a piece of art too, which I’ll share after the lyrics. This song spoke to my inner torment and despair and it felt like the artist who wrote it wrote words from within my soul.
The song is Don’t Save Me by Chxrlotte. The lyrics:
I came from the darkness hiding on my own
Like rain thoughts are harmless, leave me here alone
The waking nightmares aren’t as bad as dreaming I suppose
But it’s pulling me
Under the lightning and thunder ignite a wilted rose
Maybe I’m wretched and deserve this, I don’t know
Don’t save me, I’m almost glad if this is how I go
The monsters under my bed want to beat me to it though
Every word that they’ve said
It goes ’round in my head while I drown in the undertow
Look into my eyes
And tell me what you see
A demon in disguise
Pretending to be me
Bury your surprise
And listen carefully
He lives inside my mind
He’ll never let me free
The wasteland never ends and it’s killing me
Wait and count to ten but
I’ll never be able to live I can’t seem to breathe
I’ll die fading carefully so don’t save me
Standing on the edge, it’s darker now
And it’s in my head, I can’t hear a sound
Facing the storm I’m cast out at sea
I’ll drown eventually so don’t save me
I think these walls can talk, they tell me I’m insane
I can’t live anymore and I’m the one to blame
At night my thoughts they scare me I can’t face another day
Every thought leaves it’s mark I’m not scared of the dark
I’m afraid when the sky turns grey
The wasteland never ends and it’s killing me
Wait and count to ten but I’ll never be able to live
I can’t seem to breathe
I’ll die fading carefully so don’t save me
Standing on the edge, it’s darker now
And it’s in my head, I can’t hear a sound
Facing the storm I’m cast out at sea
I’ll drown eventually so don’t save me
Don’t save me I think I’m in hell
These walls are talking I can tell
I’ve bathed in fire since I fell
Don’t leave me on my own
The wasteland never ends and it’s killing me
Wait and count to ten but I’ll never be able to live
I can’t seem to breathe
I’ll die fading carefully so don’t save me
Standing on the edge, it’s darker now
And it’s in my head, I can’t hear a sound
Facing the storm I’m cast out at sea
I’ll drown eventually so don’t save me
The piece I created is Mixed Media, with collage, watercolor, ink, and random word poetry. To create it, I was in my studio feeling my feels, with the song on repeat for the entire time.
The reason I said earlier that my car wants me to listen to the song on repeat?
Several times a week when I get in my car, this very song is randomly automatically playing, on repeat. The thing is, I don’t have it on a playlist by itself. My car doesn’t do this with any other song or audio but this one, and I have yet to figure out why.
My car wants me to wallow in depressed emotions?
My husband is rather tech savvy and he can’t figure out why either. It makes zero sense from a technical standpoint.
My car hates me?
What do you think?
The Obsessively Anxious 