Silent treatment. He won’t admit that’s what he’s doing but that’s exactly what it is. And a few hours before it started? He accused me of doing exactly what he was doing.
I know my husband becoming a Christian wouldn’t simply “cure” him of his (diagnosed) narcissistic tendencies, but it’s very hard dealing with these traits when I’ve become kinda used to things going pretty well.
I just spent the past couple of hours in my art studio painting the most ugly painting to deal with my tumultuous emotions. I won’t show anyone until I work it into something not so… freaking ugly. I didn’t mean to make it ugly, I just couldn’t manage to make anything work right nor work well together tonight.
What was our fight about?
We were on a date tonight and we were discussing our son. I told him I had no one to talk to. He got really frustrated and asked what I needed to talk about? I got visibly perturbed and said nevermind, forget I said anything, he didn’t understand.
He got angry with me and said something about me getting upset. Honestly it’s hard to remember, because it was the unnecessary anger I was focused on.
I stopped eating and told him I was done, and then we left the restaurant. In the car, he started going on about what’s there to talk about? I can’t be upset with him that he doesn’t want to keep talking about the issue with our son. I explained that I don’t have a girlfriend to confide in, I was upset that he didn’t understand.
He said I should have said that.
Well, I did, but not in the exact words he wanted me to. I said I don’t have anyone to talk to. He could have asked what I meant, ‘because I have him’.
I explained I told him that, then I repeated what I said.
He said I can’t be upset that I don’t have anyone to confide in.
I said that I didn’t get upset about that, I was upset that he didn’t understand and he wasn’t trying to.
He told me I can’t be upset about stuff like that!
Honestly, that really ticked me off, him telling me what I’m allowed to feel and about what situations. So, I actually spoke up for myself. I told him he can’t tell me what to do/feel.
We had pulled up to the house in the car at that point. He said to me, well you’ve been telling me what to do all night!
I was so confused. This is a narcissist tactic, accusing the person of what you’re doing. I was a bit quicker than normal though and asked for an example.
He gave one and it was not right (accurate) and man did it tick me off. Whereas in the past, his shenanigans would have flustered me, made me doubt myself and my memory, and probably start apologizing for something I didn’t do, again I stuck up for myself. I called him on his b.s. and told him I didn’t tell him what to do – I had asked him to read an article if he would (and was understanding when he said he wouldn’t be able to any time soon).
I admit, after that, I could have handled things better than getting out of the car and slamming the door then storming into the house. But he pushed every button – as I guess is a narcissistic thing to do, I realize in hindsight. I feel I should know better, but he caught me off guard after months of “good behavior”.
I just spent an hour in our room with him ignoring me, his back to me and no acknowledgement of my existence. I’m done with it though, as I’m done with all the other narcissist behaviors. I got up and left and I’m down in the living room, where I’ll likely fall asleep on the couch. It’s pretty comfortable though.
I’ve mostly dealt with my emotions now, though I’m still struggling with thoughts of hurting myself. It’s hardest now because of having no one to talk to about those thoughts and feelings. In the past, I’ve mentioned the thoughts to him and he accused me of something along the lines of emotional blackmail. I don’t understand where he got that from when I never said “because you do/did X, I want to do Y”.
If I can’t tell my husband if I’m having thoughts of harm, who can I tell? That’s kinda really where some despair and deep sadness sink in.
It seems that because I had self-injured in the past, often in times of distress, that’s exactly where my mind goes. And yes, I realize my OCD is a big part of the equation. Too bad wishing thoughts away isn’t something that is effective.
I have no idea what tomorrow is going to look like with us. He’s very stubborn, as am I. It used to be very rare that he would admit fault and apologize, but that was before he became a Christian. Usually though, it would have happened already if it was going to.
All I can do is wait and see what tomorrow brings. And say a prayer.
Marriage is tough in the best of circumstances. And very few people are in the best of circumstances. Much forgiveness is need from both sides (over and over again).
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Thank you for your insight. I do agree. It’s hard to forgive the same transgressions over and over, but to make a marriage work long term, I guess that’s what it takes.
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Praying God’s blessings over your marriage. Good for you for standing up for yourself! Yass, woman!!! Xx
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Thank you very much!