I’ve been nothing but a ball of… OCD. If that made sense. I’m a walking obsession, with some splashes of compulsions. That make more sense?
It’s been a downward decline since last week, culminating to this point.
The first trigger is actually silly, or I’m trying to tell myself it’s silly, to minimize it and try to cope. Mainly, I feel stupid about it.
My OCD coach utilizes an app to send little… assignments? I’m not sure what you’d call them, but it’s reading and listening to things, then answering questions. Homework.
I got to the answer part of a recent one and well… I couldn’t think to answer. I don’t know if it’s comprehension or if it’s OCD and a fear of being wrong. Or both? I think a lot of it’s comprehension, confusion I suppose. Not understanding what’s meant by a question. Then kicks in the fear of being wrong, because I have no idea what’s meant. The thoughts go from there, if you can imagine. I’m stupid, I should know what is meant, is this my fibro-fog? maybe he was trying to trigger my OCD? does he want me to have a meltdown? why is my brain not working clearly? am I really this stupid?
I have given it time and gone back to it and my brain just can’t process the question enough to answer, or come up with some semblance of an answer. And of course I’m obsessing because I feel bad about it. I am close to asking my husband for help, which is really not something I’m keen on.
That is not the only thing I’ve been struggling with.
The other day I was messaged by a church member and asked if I do face painting, and if so, would I do it for an event that’s coming up at the church, etc.. Well, I don’t. I thought perhaps it could be easy enough to do, I’m an artist, I know how to paint. But my husband pointed out that I would stress about doing something I don’t know how to do and doing it perfectly.
He helped me with a response, which was basically that I had no experience and I was sorry.
The feelings this has caused are so negative. I know, the self-compassionate part of me needs to say that it’s ok that I said no and didn’t put myself in a situation that would cause myself difficulty. But really what’s screaming so loud in my head is what a horrible human being I am for not even trying, for not dealing with my mental health issues for the sake of the church and just…sucking it up and doing it.
I almost did. But as I was looking up easy face painting ideas, I realized that it was out of my wheelhouse and my husband was right (hate to admit that!). There was too much to try to learn in very little time. I kinda need to be shown, hands on, how to do something, before I can dive in and tackle it.
But, I feel immense guilt. Enough that it brings me to tears. And I know I’m not practicing the ever elusive self-compassion.
My studio time has been hard lately too. I have been in a bad place, whereas I don’t want to paint at all right now. I always want to paint, so the opposite feeling is so incongruous I feel just off.
I don’t like feeling so out of sorts. This is what makes acceptance so hard, is that yes I can acknowledge the anxiety and OCD are there and are not going anywhere, but to then tolerate such extreme discomfort when they seem to be so very present seems impossible. I often mentally picture myself screaming and running into a wall, kinda to knock myself out and put me out of my misery, albeit temporarily. That’s my kind of acceptance, anti-acceptance, as it were.
I don’t mean to be so negative. I want to be positive. I am positive and grateful in other parts of my life, but that gratitude doesn’t seem to be enough to kind of offset the other, negative feelings.
Like my struggle with my intrusive thoughts I expounded on in my previous blog post, this is a temporary funk I’m in. A natural ebb in the ebb and flow of life. I don’t have to like it. I don’t have to like that it feels like everything happens at once. I just have to realize it’s temporary and I’ll make it through.
I wouldn’t turn down any prayers.