I legit want to just quit sometimes. Just find a white flag and wave it for whoever is watching my going ons. They’d understand, completely.
I’ve been nothing but compulsions for the last week and it’s maddening. When I can, I stop, breathe, and try to ground myself with something mindful. But it’s not helping.
I’m doing art too. That helps temporarily, until I get stuck in my head and ruminate while creating art.
It’s because I’m doing more things that align with my values, such as church events, signing up for a spot to sell my art, socializing, etc… The more I do things I want to do, the worse my anxiety and OCD get.
I have accepted that I have OCD and I won’t ever be 100% symptom free. But when things get so much worse when I do things that I know make it worse…makes me want to do nothing. If I do nothing, then there will be no outside influence to make it worse, right? Other than the internal natural ebb and flow of how it seems to be.
My pastor emailed me last week, Friday actually. I came so very, very close to having my husband email him for me and tell him that I wouldn’t be replying because my mental health issues were preventing me. As it were, I did reply, days later, and very brief. I just suck.
I know the stress of closing my business and starting a new chapter has a bit to do with it. But do I just put the rest of my life on hold so my symptoms don’t get unbearable? Stop going out, stop attending church events, stop posting to social media, you name it, anything where I interact with others.
I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Like, I know all the advice my OCD coach has given me, but I’m not doing something I should be. But I think that’s my OCD telling me that. That I’m doing something wrong, when I’m not. It’s just a season, it shall pass.
Well, I’m going to try to listen to music and create some lovely art until it’s time to leave, a busy mind doesn’t have time to ruminate or riot.
I’ll leave you with my recent creations…
Oh and a lesson I did in oils, sunflowers, for Ukraine 💕
Have a fantastic day!