I chose to break the silence this morning, else my husband and I could have gone a day, maybe 2 without speaking. It was a simple: are you not speaking to me?
He was mad at me for not being more empathetic to his overwhelmed feeling and offering help. I’m upset because it felt he blamed his overwhelmed-ness on me.
My thing was, ask for help?
When I’m as overwhelmed as he says he was, I don’t go throwing stones, I say, ‘help me please.’
I know we’re different people, but he was angry and moody and by all intents and purposes, appeared to want to be left alone. When I had gone to him to talk to him about something yesterday night, he was mean and surly. Then at bedtime, when I turned over to try to sleep and he was putting his stuff away…he slammed, banged, stomped around, when I know he can be a quiet man.
I tried talking through it with him this morning. But he turns it around and says the only thing that matters is my feelings. Well, no, but I’m here and I can have feelings too in this situation. I’m so sick of him always saying his feelings don’t matter, when it’s his feelings that cause the uproar and me walking on eggshells.
I’m really at a loss. We were going in circles with him being angry that I didn’t offer him help….after feeling attacked. I even apologized for not offering help, though I really had no idea he wanted any nor did I see help to offer whilst hearing his list of things that upset him.
I told him next time to ask for help and that made him mad. I explained that I learned to ask for help and it’s a skill that needs learning. I didn’t know he wanted anything from me, other than to be left alone (post grumpy behavior). Am I a mind reader? I’m going by past actions too, he always wants to be left alone and never once has he ever wanted my help. Was I expected to…expect the unexpected?
This situation is a cluster pluck that I don’t know how to unpluck. I told him I don’t think this can be resolved and to go about his business.
I took steps to resolve the issue but it made things worse I think. He’s more mad that I felt attacked by his behavior. He does not see my perspective even though I do see his, which was why I told him he needs to ask for help when he needs it.
I don’t think I’m reading the situation 100% accurately still though. I think there’s misconduct on his part (yes, on mine too) that he won’t own up to because of how he’s built. I owned up to mine and see where possibly I could have helped the situation last night. But he doesn’t see how his presentation was a perceived attack on me.
I’m not sure what to do. As I told him, I don’t think this situation can be resolved. I have a lot of animosity in my heart right now and I don’t want it there. People just want to feel empathized with, even if things don’t necessarily go their way. Just him acknowledging that he understands my perspective, would change things. Well, change how I feel. Less hurt and cry-face.
But he won’t. He never sees my viewpoint, no matter how much I put myself in his shoes…it never is reciprocated. I can see where he’s coming from, but his attitude now makes me wish he stayed there and never came back.
Sounds like he needs to work on using his words rather than expecting you to mind-read. I wonder if it might help with unplucking to talk about trying to use more “I” statements (I feel, I need, etc.) rather than “you” statements during stressful interactions. I think most people tend to use a lot of “you” statements in situations like that, and more “I” statements is something most people could use some work on, so it could be something you could work on together rather than just asking him to make a change, which hopefully he’d be a bit more receptive to.
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I agree that “I” statements are more productive… When dealing with him I try to say “I feel” vs “You did…”, but it spirals into him saying only my feelings matter. Queue head banging against the wall here. I figured out how best to deal with it for the time being…I will be writing about it (planning to lol).
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