The Cycle Starts Again, The Pain Train

Last week was hectic at work due to Spring Break and Easter weekend, so therefore my body took a Royal beating. I felt the effects Monday through Wednesday, with my pain letting up a bit on Wednesday night and moreso Thursday morning.

But, what happens for me every Thursday morning? I go back to work after my days off and start everything all over again.

I can’t handle this level of pain anymore and I finally told my husband, I just can’t do it. I won’t do it. Queue tears. Heartfelt tears, because I am a crier.

He understands.

We talked again about getting rid of my business and redirecting efforts towards an art business. This time, we discussed his opinion of my lack in skills a bit more calmly and less harshly.

He feels my social anxiety will prevent me from reaching out to other artists for my Artist Co-op, and selling myself and business to them, to get them to come on board. I took in his criticism and explained that I don’t feel that actually will be my challenge. I feel the challenge will be completely different.

I think when I put the word out about an Art Co-op looking for Artists and crafters, that people will come out of the woodwork, interested in a place to sell their work and a studio to work out of. I told him I think my challenge will actually be finding a kind way to tell people no. Because I’m nice and have trouble telling people negative things.

He pondered that and sees my perspective better. He also sees how a Co-op could help with paying the bills on the space, to supplement my teaching. I can teach just 3 classes a week for $400 each group. That’s roughly my rent, utilities, and supplies, plus a bit extra to account for not hitting the mark each class.

That’s just teaching and no Co-op, so it can be done. I don’t want it all on my shoulders alone though, which is why the Co-op idea is so enticing.

This is all only an option if my current injured salon manager does not want to take over the business. Forgot to mention that, didn’t I?

I need to have a talk with her, heart to heart, about the state of the salon and my health. I was going to this past Wednesday, but I had a panic attack and chickened out. It’s waiting until I can pull myself together.

I think part of the problem is not knowing how to reach out and tell her I need to chat.

“Hey, when can you meet for coffee sometime soon for a little chat?” is so sus, as the kids say. My phone anxiety keeps me from doing this conversation over the phone, which it’s not suited for anyways.

I know what needs doing. I even walked through a conversation with my OCD coach. I just am getting in my own way and find myself unable to follow through.

I’m wondering if when I meet with my coach next week, I’ll disappointingly tell him that I did not in fact have that talk with her. I hope not, I need to do it, sooner rather than later. My body can’t take the pain and I need to know if I’m shutting down or just holding on until she’s back and taking everything over.

There’s hope in either option.