OCD often brings depression, at a reported rate of 25% to 50%. My mental illness buddies, OCD and Bipolar depression, have been kinda off and on pals since I was young, depression showing up first after my parents got divorced, around 7. Never was able to shake it.
Right now my depression is pretty bad, I think largely because my thyroid meds are being mucked with. No matter the why, I feel so awful.
Today I was pondering about how I have no friends. Like no ride or die friends, someone who I could perhaps text when I feel like the world is ending, or a friend to listen when my husband is a jerk and I just want to vent. I have surface friends. How are you doing? friends.
It’s not because I’m shallow and don’t want deep meaningful relationships. I want that so badly. It’s because I have zero social skills beyond the light stuff. I don’t know how to invite people to do more. I don’t know how to talk to people to learn if they’re a ride or die worthy person. Yes, I want friends, but I’ve been hurt so often I also want to be careful.
I’ve been horribly triggered by a Lent study I’m trying to get through with my Bible study group. The book has triggered all sorts of thoughts and I’m actually in tears because of it. I really don’t know what to do, I don’t know if I can make it through…and if I can’t, I don’t know if I can say anything.
My OCD Coach has asked me this week to email my Pastor as an exposure. I was all positive and agreeable until today. I just can’t do it, I feel like a defeatist right now. I never don’t do my homework. I know I want to tell him my husband accepted Jesus and ask him a question…but I tell myself I have nothing to write. I can’t make myself do it. I think because I feel I’m the last person he wants to see in his inbox. I really, really don’t want to bother him.
I was asked last night to go to a journaling thing this weekend and I agreed. I want to jump out a window. I’m so flippin’ anxious, yet all I want to do is cry. I said yes because I know it’s good for me. Making friends and being social with Christian women is a value of mine, and moving towards values is important for self-compassion. Which I admit I suck at, completely.
I think there’s just too much all at once and it’s an overwhelm to my system. Because these things are not all that I’m dealing with currently, I won’t even get into work and doing interviews to replace do-floppy, nor husband or child issues.
I just need a break. Soon.
If I stay this depressed and defeated feeling for another week, I guess I’ll contact one of my doctors about my medications. At least I’ve learned to recognize signs and not ignore them until things are….worse than they are now.
I hate feeling like a failure, but I know sometimes things are too hard at that current moment in time. It is what it is, and will have to be.