Radio Silence, An OCD Conundrum

So, I might have gone radio silent on communications with my Pastor. I’ve pulled away almost completely with all social events with my church, unless I can take my husband and he agrees to go with me. Problem being, they’re mostly women’s events that I’m avoiding.

It’s been a slow progression for several months, since I last heard from my Pastor. I feel myself withdrawing more and more socially from church (my general life) the more time goes on.

Why?

I could pretend I don’t know, but I’m going to tell on myself. Doing all of the before mentioned: emailing my Pastor, participating in church events, etc… makes my OCD worse. The problem being, for my OCD to get better, I need to not avoid those things, experience the anxiety, and deal with it head on. Acceptance. Big part of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).

But I currently have a “feet in the sand” mentality right now. Or well, for some months now.

I keep thinking back to the many emails I have written to my Pastor and what keeps me from really wanting to reach out again, no matter when I feel I have a valid reason: 1: I feel I come across crazy as a loon (that’s medical terms folks), 2: I don’t want to be a bother. More 1 than 2 I think.

The social situations are really that I can’t handle the unknown. I need to know what behaviors are expected of me, who is going to be there, what we’re going to be doing, and some, though not all, details.

I know I need to “lean into” the uncertainty and anxiety and do these things but it’s honestly just crippling. I have the desire to want to participate, yet I feel completely unable to. Or perhaps more like a child who needs their hand held. Because I can do these things but they’re so scary for me to do, I feel I can’t on my own.

I feel OCD and anxiety has made me a failure of an adult. I’m behaving like my tween son, and I’m 40. It’s embarrassing.

Life was easier before we relocated and I could take my mom or sister to things until I felt “safe”. That is a luxury I had no idea I would miss when we packed up and moved 2.5 years ago, hundreds of miles from anyone we knew.

I know some people now, but well…they don’t know me. Not enough for me to tell them my truths and ask for hand holding, at least.

So do I keep on trucking along avoiding everything in an effort to keep my OCD less severe? Or do I jump into the fire, essentially burning up but burning away the bad stuff that fuels the fire to begin with?

I don’t know. I keep telling myself I will face things, then I don’t email my Pastor, and I don’t sign up for any events. My heart is heavy, as it feels like one of those Chinese finger traps that I haven’t figured out the trick to get out of. I hope ya’ll know the little toy I’m talking about, or that will make zero sense.

I don’t think I’m ready to break my radio silence just yet. Maybe next month I’ll try again, which is what I happen to keep telling myself as I see the sign-ups each month.

Blah.

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