OCD Reassurance Seeking and Depression.

Reassurance seeking is normal behavior for those with OCD according to many various resources I’ve come across on the illness. I normally don’t seek reassurance, especially knowing such a thing.

It’s a good thing I don’t knowingly seek reassurance, because my husband is a class A jerk when it comes to me expressing my anxieties.

Tonight I voiced a worry that a woman from our church and in one of our small groups did not like me. I told him that I worried maybe I offended her and didn’t realize it. He did see I had valid reason to feel that way, as this particular woman seems to be very stoic during conversations.

What it boiled down to though is he said I shouldn’t feel the way I did and it didn’t make sense. I asked him (so very nicely!) not to criticize the way I felt and he ended up yelling at me. He said he did not criticize the way I felt.

So now I’m left confused. Did he not and this is me “taking it the wrong way”, or is he twisting his own words and making it suit his needs in the moment?

I simply dislike being told how I should feel, or how I’m feeling is “wrong” or stupid. People have little control over feelings sometimes, and I would simply like to feel how I feel and occasionally talk about it!

It’s so hard no longer being best friends with your spouse. I’m not sure where the disconnect is, other than he always is on the defensive and accuses me of doing things I’m honestly baffled about. I recognize some of his ‘switching the blame’ as abusive behavior, but I feel at a loss to do anything about it.

I can’t bring it up in marriage counseling, it always ends up completely turned around and I look bad. I’ve given up long ago, truth be told. I got sick of bringing something up, but him making it seem like it was a me issue, rather than a him problem. Everything in his mind boils down to something I’m doing wrong, even if it’s him saying I’m blaming him for everything. He’s so focused on assigning blame, all the time.

We’re in separate rooms right now, and I wonder: is he blaming me for our evening?

He did just whisk away when we got home, without a word, and got busy. Not an invite to join him, a mention of plans, nothing. My question is, if I don’t feel I have anything to apologize for, do I continually make the first effort every time?

I’m not petty but I am tired. Tired of the effort I make every time to do the mature and Christian wife thing. The time I don’t, is the time he’ll complain that he’s always making the effort. I know that, because he’s done that.

The OCD has been taking a back seat in recent days, but apparently just so depression can take the wheel. I don’t know which is worse, actually wanting to die or obsessing about everything that drives me to worry I will consider death. I worry I won’t be strong enough eventually. I’m not sure if that’s valid or an OCD worry.

Some days you just want to just lay there and not exist. Today is one of those days.

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