More Scrupulosity OCD Struggles, Alone

I think I’ll never share my struggle with OCD with anyone but strangers online. I just don’t know how to make a friend properly, or communicate like an adult in order to foster friendships. I’m a much better listener than sharer. Because of that and also because I have gotten used to that role, I don’t know how to ever really open up. I have difficulty in social situations judging what would be oversharing or not. This stops most of my talking without direct prompting.

This is not without cause. I’ve said things in the past and it’s come back to haunt me before. Things I’ve told people have been used against me. Or shared when they shouldn’t have been. Or I’ve said inappropriate things without realizing it. Multiple reasons.

The thing is, I would gladly be friends with any number of people who I interact with at church and other places and gatherings. But I’m so socially awkward and don’t know how to actually interact to move towards a friendship, it feels near impossible for me.

If I knew how, I would invite someone over for either dinner or maybe to paint in my studio. I know some ladies are probably curious to see my art and where I create. That’s a bit nerve wracking because both show a part of me. But my home is my safety zone, so where better to form a friendship?

But… Big but… I can’t invite anyone over. Not that I’m not allowed, but I don’t know who or how and then just thinking about it spikes my anxiety so very high. Sounds like if I mention it in therapy, visualization of inviting someone over will be perfect for ERP.

I don’t mean to resist progress and growth. But tell me, why isn’t therapy for depression and/or manic episodes ever as painful as what I go through for OCD? Well, admittedly, nothing seems to help with the mania, except maybe staying very busy and hiding my money from myself.

I’m just thinking about that Christian subscription box I now get every month, for the rest of my life. This is why OCD + Bipolar is so toxic, when I’m manic I go way overboard on my obsessions. Really need some impulse control help.

The good news on that front is I got a new Psychiatrist. This one seems like a keeper. He mentions a numbness scale on his website for patients, he recognizes some medicines can be emotionally numbing and he said he’s sensitive to that. He also gave me non-prescription alternatives for Bipolar and Anxiety to research and decide what I’d like to do.

That is a good doctor. Not just someone pushing pills that the drug rep is promoting that month. Or just medicates you to stop the symptoms, who cares if you feel dead inside.

I’m using this as distraction again, as my thoughts are going rampant since a Bible study group I did for the very first time (ever!) yesterday morning. Ya’ll have no idea how horrible (awful, wretched) and stupid I am. Well, so say the thoughts. How I argue back is for me to know. But, actually doing the group it’s huge progress for me. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for so many years but let fear stop me. I just need to not let the increase in my OCD deter me from continuing something I want to do.

That’s how it wins. Not today OCD, not today.

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