I don’t actually want my OCD to be running the show and ruining the party (don’t you know, it’s popcorn every night?). But I know exactly the recipe to let it, but I don’t know how to…stop?
I know what helps with (my) OCD is working on self compassion. For me that includes activities that are part of my values. Church and related activities, making friends, and art, just to name a few.
There’s an event coming up that involves all of the above mentioned. Problem is, when I started thinking about it, it was a huge trigger for intrusive thoughts and that is why we now have this lovely post! Distraction.
The thing is, I know me. The last time there was something similar I wanted to do, I psyched myself out. I ended up driving there and panicking in my car. I felt so horrible that I couldn’t go inside, even worse than if I made some excuse to myself to not try at all.
These things trigger the self loathing thoughts, then the guilt, then the praying for forgiveness… ugh!
I give up. I really do.
I don’t think most people can empathize with doing something because they feel they just absolutely have to. And there’s no describing the feeling of wrongness either when you try to ignore the urge.
Or accept the feeling. Yeah, no. I’m huge on acceptance for pretty much everything and everyone, except anxiety and my OCD. I refuse to accept these feelings are here to stay. I hate feeling this way and I flat out refuse to put up with it long term.
Not very ACT (Acceptance and Commitment) friendly thinking, I know. But honestly, I just can’t do it.
I wish I had a friend who I could talk to, and have drag me to all the things I want to go to but that fear normally prevents me. Like today, there’s a church thing and internally I was planning and wanting to go. Now, it’s just a couple of hours before and I can’t.
I just have to remind myself, God doesn’t make mistakes (me).
I wouldn’t wish this illness on anyone but I have often wondered what it would be like if I had a friend that totally understands what it’s like to have these thoughts, the anxiety, this horrible illness called OCD. It would be nice to encourage eachother and attend events together or just hangout with someone that understands.
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