If you missed my simpleton’s explanation of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder at the end of August, you can check it out here, if you don’t know what OCD is, or you just maybe think you know what it is.
I am being tortured by my OCD presently, to the point of not wanting to have contact with anyone who is not in my “safe” circle (i.e. immediate family). Even then, I’m glad my husband is away for a couple of nights, because many times when he becomes derogatory or angry, my OCD is triggered.
I have an appointment today with my therapist and I need it. I need to discuss how severe things have gotten. I’m to the point where I have a nearly constant verbal compulsion every time I think of something I perceive as a slight error or oops. As a recognized perfectionist (one who does NOT want to be one, I’m not a Karen who enjoys it), that can literally be multiple times in an hour.
I am in tears at this point. I can’t handle it, because it feels like I have zero control over my actions.
Do people without OCD or impulse control problems (I’ll include addictions), have true empathy for those who feel this way? Can they grasp the concept of feeling like your actions are completely out of your control?
I liken it to controlling your thoughts. You really can’t control them but so much. They wander quite a bit on their own. And if someone tells you not to think of a rainbow kitten, that’s the thing your mind will go to, against your control. You want to NOT think about it, but the more you try consciously not to, the more you do think about the cute little multicolor ball of fur.
In other news, I’ve been also avoiding communicating with my Pastor (especially) and other church members. I find emailing my Pastor especially triggering, and I can find myself walking around for days distressed and yelling at myself (because louder makes the anxiety stop, yeah?) until he replies.
Why until he replies? There’s some irrational fear attached, that his response will be negative towards me, no matter how mundane the email. I do respect my Pastor very much and hold him in high esteem, which is why it’s so triggering.
Need a Self Care Break
Honestly, if I wasn’t such a fan of a lot of modern technology (iPads + internet ), I think I would have done much better in an era of nothing but face-to-face interaction and/or…solitude. Mmm, solitude.
A refreshing 2 hour nap and then I’ll create some art. We shall see what self care does for my mental health. Painting does seem to improve my OCD (and bipolar) symptoms, though if for just a while. It’s odd having an extra week day off of work, but I’m so glad I do. It’s like the Lord knew, when I made the schedule and kept blocking today off, that this week was going to be rough.
If I don’t shut up, I’ll never get that nap. I vote everyone else take a self care break too.
I would love some feedback, as I typically don’t do much in my time off but what is in my comfort zone. What do you do for self care? Anything outside the box, or is a nap, cup of tea and a good (or bad) book all you need?