My husband has been acting differently lately and I can’t say that I mind. He paid off my hefty business loan and sold his beloved ‘spare’ car – a rather sexy little Subaru WRX. He bought it when car prices were still low due to COVID and the excuse was his current car was going to die soon, so he needed a back-up. I didn’t really need that very transparent excuse, but I got it. If I had the money, I would buy a whole (massive) studio of various art supplies. I would have every painting medium imaginable and just paint whenever I could. I think driving his car is similar for him on some level, it provides enjoyment as art does to me.
This worries me though, last time he did such big financial moves, he was also doing other bad things. Not that I think he’s repeating that, but I’m worried he’s trying to make things financially secure for me, to leave me. I know he’s repeatedly said he’d be here for me and our son, but my fear of abandonment just sees this unusual behavior and tells me bad scenarios.
A plausible theory is that he’s perhaps done some self reflecting. I’m not sure if it was triggered by church messages, by things that were said in “heated discussion” a few weeks ago, or if the dawned on him naturally. He is a very smart man after all.
In our discussion, I told him I felt held financially hostage. That I had to ask permission to spend money, then was questioned when I actually spent the agreed upon money. He threw out that I didn’t have to move with him when we relocated, that I didn’t have to open my business, I didn’t have to work.
Well, that opened a can of worms. I did not want to bring up his affair, because I know having your past dragged out is not cool. I told him I felt I didn’t have a choice but to get a job, because how was I supposed to trust anything when literally a month before we moved, I had found messages from where he had sent pictures of the whore’s butt to a friend while he was away visiting family in July? While he supposedly had no contact with her.
Of course I started a business. I felt I had to, I couldn’t trust him.
Now things are different, a year and a half later. But I feel he’s trying so hard to prove that I can leave with no strings attached, that maybe he thinks I’m going to. Yes, I know I’ve said I want to, no, need to leave him. But only if he doesn’t change certain abusive behaviors. And stay changed. Right now I’m seeing change, positive change. Actually, a lot of it and I’ve been very impressed.
I am quite hopeful now. For myself and for my relationship with my husband. I do love him dearly, he is my first true love and who I always believed to be my soulmate. I very much want things to go well with us, I want both of us to be able to communicate and make us work.
I guess I just need to see where things go from here. I like the new caring and compassionate husband. He’s made conscious effort to remain calm and show empathy. But I know that may get rather trying for him, or it may be a struggle in times of stress to not fall back on old habits. I do get it. But when you’re stressed out, if you’re abusive to the ones that love and care for you the most, who then can you turn to, to lean on for support?
I do take my wedding vows so very seriously, my oath before God and man. In sickness and in health, till death do us part. But it was pointed out to me that God doesn’t want me to be abused mentally/emotionally/verbally, that’s not His intention for marriage.
Next time my husband seems upset though, I want to try to be there for him and see how it goes. I hope and pray he can try to lean on me, rather than take his negative emotions out on me and our son. I have learned to start asking for help in times of stress, and it has helped immensely, I just want that for him – and to not be treated poorly.
After over 20 years, we’ll eventually get this marriage thing right.