Pretending Everything is Ok. Abuse and OCD Struggles.

Do you have those days where you wonder if everyone sees beneath the surface to what you’re hiding? The days where you’re not sure how you’re making it through and there’s a glance from someone and you wonder if maybe they read that awful thought?

Nah? Just me? Not likely, but ok.

You’ve not heard much from me lately because I’ve been mired in emotional angst, to put it mildly. I feel I’ve been doing fairly well at hiding my crazy and the fact that I do think I am falling apart, but I wonder if people notice.

I’ve finally identified that I’m trapped in a cycle of emotional abuse with my husband. This comes after seeking counsel from my Pastor, asking for advice because I’ve been so confused.

What’s confusing about being abused for years upon end and not knowing if it’s ok with God to leave my spouse or not?

That’s a loaded question!

Meeting with my Pastor triggered a whole bunch of OCD thoughts and sequence of events over the last week that have my mind in complete turmoil. If you’re unfamiliar with OCD or are but curious as to what lane those thoughts went, strap in for a ride!

OCD thoughts this week (not just on repeat, on constant replay): Am I really being abused? Is his mistreatment in my head? Am I too sensitive? Am I the abuser?? (this one has been a total mind fork – trust me!) Did I make my husband into who he is? Did I cause the abuse all these years? Does he even realize he’s doing it? Does God expect me to stay with him because I caused my husband to be abusive to me? Does God want me to keep showing forgiveness until I die?

Those are the gist of what’s been torturing me. Every time my husband has been abusive this week (usually once or twice daily), my mind has reaffirmed that I am not imagining his treatment of me. Then afterwards, the OCD thoughts start up and second guess my feelings on the occurrence and his behavior.

This is also when the harm OCD shows it’s ugly head, unfortunately. Those thoughts of it’s always going to be like this, and *pop* I want to hurt myself – right there in my mind. It starts mild, of injury or just dying.

The thoughts to run away stem from this actually. When I moved to the area I’m in now a year and a half ago, only 2 years after my husband’s affair, I saw a rather useless therapist. She was basically all talk and no help. The one piece of advice she gave me that I have used though, when I explained the thoughts of wanting to die and harm myself? She logically talked me through it. If it gets that bad, why not just run away?

Well, hmm. My mind latched onto that idea, because I did and do see the beautiful logic in that! The thing is, lately, I’ve been in so much emotional pain, my mind skips her suggestion of fleeing and jumps right to the harm again.

I’m needing to purposely and constantly redirect my thoughts to fleeing. And even then, I’m trying not to think of running away, because, being a creature of logic, that won’t help.

Problems follow you when you run. And my husband tracks me/my phone.

It was originally instituted for “my safety” when we moved and I was providing services in people’s homes. But that was only for 3 months over a year ago. When I tried to turn it off when it wasn’t needed anymore, oh boy… huge mistake!

Ironically, I wanted it on because I don’t trust my husband. But for some odd reason, his location doesn’t share with me. He can’t figure out why not. This man is an Engineer and can fix semi-truck sized vacuum chambers, design 3D printed images, etc… and you’re telling me he can’t share his location but he can see mine?

Uh huh.

I sent my Pastor an email during 1st service yesterday morning, I was under much emotional strain and just felt the need to ask (beg) for prayers:

Thank you so much for speaking with me, you were very helpful with your advice and guidance. Since then, I have set several boundaries. Not all at once, and some more subtle than others, and some were received more hostile than others.

Prayer, reflection, and people/things/circumstances God, I feel, purposefully has put in my life, has shown me that I’m trapped in a cycle of abuse and I really do need to get out.

I ask for prayer because even though I recognize that, doesn’t mean I have the strength to do so, or the ability. I’m not allowed to go to church today. His reasoning is stupid, especially because I’m allowed to come do some work things at my shop for an hour…and church is an hour. I told myself I would never let someone interfere with me practicing my faith/religion and I’m doing just that. I did want to sneak off to the 9amservice, but my refusal to lie and then subsequently a fear of getting caught, stopped me. (He can track my location, so it’s easily checked)

I just don’t know what else to do but ask for prayer but I know me and I can’t leave now. I’ve said so much about how much faith I put in prayer. Prayer for my step-dad…he got a job a few weeks ago to stay mentally sharp (his recent diagnosis) and got promoted to Assistant Manager. Prayer certainly works.

I’m sorry I’m not (wasn’t) in church. I will certainly watch. I’m hoping I’ll be able to come back next week. I’m so sorry.

Thank you so much for praying.

I have set boundaries, which is why things have been hard. Boundaries of how he’ll speak to me and treat me.

Only one I was blatantly obvious about. In marriage counseling I told him he wasn’t going to talk to me like he was anymore, he wasn’t going to scold me and express his anger and frustration the way he currently does, or else that’s it. I’m not putting up with it anymore and I’m going, as in leaving. Hard, firm boundary.

Yes, that was harsh. But… I’ve been stepping around that one for years. It’s been, “At least I’m not yelling,” and other similar responses when he does go off on me.

I’m done though.

I love him dearly. So very much. But I can’t handle feeling like a hurt little girl daily. He’s my husband and I want to feel a friendship, love, and comfort with him.

I don’t want to give up on him. Which is why I told my Pastor I can’t leave. My love for my husband is so strong, it’s hard to push him away just because of the (immense) pain he causes me. I’m stuck in this cycle of abuse because I love my husband so deeply, and I do feel I cannot live without him.

Is it an obsessional love, perhaps? Or Stockholm Syndrome? Ugh. This is why I hate me.

God, please just help me through this. I don’t have the strength myself, and only help from him will see me through. He can and will hold my hand while I feel alone, I just need to remember he’s with me. I’m not alone. I’m not alone. I’m not alone. Thank you God.

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