I just turned 40. I’m not depressed about the number in the slightest. I felt old a decade ago when I was developing signs of fibromyalgia. It’s just a number, like the year before and the next after.
I just kinda wish my husband would have, I don’t know, thought to make it an awesome day since it was my 40th. I feel horrible wishing that, like it makes me shallow, but I believe that’s my OCD telling me I’m bad for wanting something special.
It was not totally bad, though that is due partly because of my mother I think.
She texted me in the afternoon to see how my day was and if we had anything special planned for my big 40th. I was honest, it was a no. I told her I was not cooking dinner and I had wished my husband would have thought to cook something, especially because I do that for everyone else on birthdays and special occasions. I was sorta optimistic that maybe he would surprise me and take me out when he got home, but he’s not much for surprises, truth be told.
Shortly after, I had placed an online order for lunch from my favorite restaurant. I went to pick it up and the restaurant sign said closed, so that had me feeling rather dejected. I texted my mom about it since she was still texting me about my birthday plans.
No sooner did I get home than did I get a couple of odd birthday gifs from my husband. Then he said he was taking me out for steak for dinner. I know my cognitive functions have been a bit hit or miss lately, but I did put 2 and 2 together rather quickly. Mom stepped in.
I am not a huge fan when she sticks her nose in, but I am a bit happy she did this time. I think that if she hadn’t, and we sat around having leftovers on my birthday, I would have been a bit sad.
My suspicions were confirmed during dinner. My husband nonchalantly said that my mom said I sounded down when we spoke earlier. If either of them only knew.
I think why I was and am still struggling is my mental and physical health issues. I took the week off work to rest, and thus far, it hasn’t helped my body pain nor my mental health. I have been having a hard time sleeping and still hurt all over constantly, even though I don’t have the rigors of work causing me to exert myself.
I went to a lady’s church class earlier this week for the first time. I thought it would be helpful, that I would find women to connect with and the socializing that I’ve been craving would do me good. I was wrong. Since then my thoughts have been all over the place. Mostly focused on that I said something wrong and it’s very obvious that I don’t fit in.
It’s been so distressing that I’ve been bombarded with thoughts that I’m stupid, I hate myself, I’m horrible, and that I want to hurt myself. I do want to hurt myself to make the thoughts stop. I can’t “swim past” the thoughts because they’re so frequent, it’s gotten overwhelming.
I don’t want to go back next month. I don’t want to do any other social gathering. I don’t want to go back to church. I want to give up so my thoughts will stop. But I won’t, because I’m apparently an emotional masochist. I don’t know though, I may need to just skip some events until I can handle my thoughts better. I went and got a tattoo to avoid self-harming. Not the same feeling in the slightest and I hate when people compare them, but that constant pain for 2 hours was enough to mellow some stuff out internally. Not enough to stop the thoughts completely though.
I feel I can’t go to my husband for empathy or support, as things are not the best with us recently. Saturday evening and all of Sunday I had to put up with the silent treatment. Saturday evening I tried to open communication after I apparently hurt his feelings, since he is adamantly against going lengths of time not talking. Unfortunately what’s good for the goose is not good for the gander. When I stopped him Sunday night to talk things out, I was blamed for his silent treatment of me.
He has narcissistic tendencies, though he’s not 100% narcissistic. Heaven forbid I mention it at all though, because that was a diagnosis that he received when “he was going through a bad time”, and I need to not “keep bringing up the past”.
I get it, I wouldn’t want my past faults shoved in my face. However, if I was still doing them (and seemingly unaware), then that would not be bringing up the past. He still blames me for his behavior, accuses me of things he is doing, manipulates me, he’s extremely sensitive to any perceived criticism, and he tries (and often fails) to be controlling.
Lately, it feels like he’s finding something at least once, if not more, times a day to complain about that I’ve done or neglected to do. Nitpicking, small stuff. Every day there’s something and it’s grating on my soul, because it bleeds into the rest of my life and I feel like I do nothing right at all, anywhere.
When we moved to the state we are in now, our first marriage counselor was bad at the marriage stuff but we thought he’d be good individually with my husband. After he started the individual counseling, the daily nitpicking stopped. Just suddenly, he would come home and there were no complaints. It took a bit to notice there was something wonderfully different and I began to look forward to him coming home.
I brought it up in marriage counseling with our new (but old, we used her previously where we moved from) counselor. My husband said it was by suggestion of his therapist to stop pointing out all the little things, to overlook what’s not important, or just do them himself. I was like, “Amen!”
How is it that it took someone telling him to do that, for him to do it? And how can I get him to remember, without coming across… badly?
I still do a lot of little things for him that I find annoying that he neglects, and it has come to where it isn’t noticeable and doesn’t bother me. Because I love him and don’t mind. Which leads my mind down the rabbit hole of: why is he so annoyed with all the little things I mess up when I do so many other wonderful things for him?
The unkind, unChristian attitude would be to stop doing all the little things and start nitpicking back. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Problem is, he’d have no idea that was what I was doing and he’d miss the point I was making.
What do I need to do? I need to calmly talk to him about it. After I keep a record of every time he criticizes the things I do/don’t do. If I don’t keep a record, he will deny it and tell me it’s what I’m perceiving and it’s in my head. It’s also probably best if I bring it up in marriage counseling, where his defensive behavior can be called out by our therapist.
End of the week
My week off is almost over and I wish it was a permanent job vacation. Normally I miss my work immensely and want to go back, but not now. I can’t physically do it and a week of rest has no effect on feeling better, so there goes my hope. Yes, I can go in to supervise and do office work, reception work, social media, etc… But all that stuff is everything I loathe about my job, which is why I hired someone else to do much of it.
I need to have faith God will yet show me where to go from here. I feel this door is closing, quite firmly actually. Yet I don’t know what door God wants me to walk through. I have a variety of talents, though many are seemingly useless to earn any type of living.
I hate feeling and exuding dejection. I just want to be happy. I feel bad/guilty for not being happy, but that makes no sense logically.
I am going to take a much needed nap and then do some prayer and meditation. I tend to pray a lot through out the day and not just once in the morning and/or at night, but it’s often unfocused, because of how my brain works. Perhaps if I focus my mind during a meditation type session, it will be more…uplifting.
I may be dejected, but I try to be hopeful.
I appreciate this heartfelt post. The cool thing is that hope is the beginning that usually leads to faith. God is always faithful when we reach out to Him. The fact that you’re doing that tells me that you will soon receive answers. I can’t say what answers or if they’ll even be ones that you will expect, but you will get them. And He promises only the best to those that are faithful to Him 🙂
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I am happy to see that even if you have difficult times, you still hold on to your faith. I had an experience of this kind, last 2019 until 2020. It was very difficult because of the trauma that one of my very close relatives did to me. What I did that time was meditate and journalling. This blogging very therapeutic, releasing everything in your mind. I will be praying for you.
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Thank you. And you are right, blogging is very therapeutic, it has helped a lot to get my thoughts out.