Sometimes stress can take its toll on your health, both mental and physical. I have experienced this time and time again where high levels of stress end up basically putting me over the edge. However, I feel that I can recognize the warning signs a bit earlier, before we get to the extreme I went to in my youth. At 17 and 18, I had overdosed on pills in suicide attempts. Pre-rape and post-rape, both under extreme mental strain though.
My mental and physical health have taken me to that point. I’m having issues admitting it to anyone but my Pastor, whom I emailed.
Oh boy, that email came from a doozy of a situation. I had to end the previous one very abruptly. Literally, I didn’t even say a goodbye.
I ended up the next day at work getting stuck in my head, wanting to just profuse so many apologies to my Pastor. I wanted to tell him I was sorry that when I asked my son’s school’s principal for a church recommendation and she gave me a list, I chose his church. I wanted to apologize for reaching out and bothering him with my problems. I wanted to apologize for presenting him with difficult issues (and continuing to bother him). And I wanted to apologize for being such a downer.
Honestly, I don’t even know if that would have satisfied my need to apologize. It has never been so very strong ever in my life and it’s absolutely terrifying. I need to do something before anything just awful happens. I don’t know what, and the sad thing is… I don’t know if that’s my OCD being scared of what could happen or if it’s a valid fear.
Time to get serious help.
But my indecisiveness is crippling and I also have a business to run! A new business that I just opened, with employees that do count on it for a paycheck.
I have to admit to my husband that I’m physically and mentally broken and need some recovery time. I did not expect 1: my OCD to get so increasingly worse under stress, 2: my health to take nosedive after nosedive. That’s hard to do, because he tends to like telling me what I’ve done wrong. In the guise of teaching.
Maybe I’m wrong. He’s done a lot of growth over the last year, I see him as a better person and less narcissistic and controlling. He yells less and admits when he’s screwed up after he thinks about his actions, which is huge progress.
It’s hard to know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt. Either way, he’ll have to know, because I need to decide how I’m going to manage taking a short hiatus and what that means. Does that mean a week or a month? What will it take to get where I need to be mentally?
I also have to decide the logistics. Do I have my business remain open and ask my husband to take a vacation week from his job? He could oversee things, and I think whip them into shape. They don’t do my protocols because I don’t speak up, I worry what I say will come out wrong and they’ll quit like that one (stupid) employee who left without notice.
I think I’m leaning towards closing a week to two and then seeing if my husband can then do a week long stint.
Until I get things worked out, I am utilizing all the resources I can find. I would love to share an OCD Podcast I stumbled across on Spotify: OCD & Anxiety Podcasts. Robert James has recovered from OCD himself using ACT – Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
I’m hoping if I can get my mental situation fixed a bit, maybe my physical pain will decrease. I’m being very hopeful.