Wish Me Luck, I’ll Try Not to Die From a Panic Attack.

I’m meeting my Pastor this morning and I feel like the anxiety is going to kill me. Like give me a heart attack.

I had planned to discuss some moral issues that have come up, but that was last week when I asked him to meet. Things have changed.

Last night, for an unexplained reason I felt compelled to check my online banking, which I never do because my husband handles most of the finances. I found a charge on our bank statement for the liquor store…and it wasn’t me.

He was never an alcoholic, by his admittance. He gave up alcohol when I was struggling to stop, though when he drank…things got very ugly. Mean words and broken things. But noooo, he didn’t have a problem, it was all on me.

My husband is a narcissist. Not by my label, but by a psychological test that I asked he have done after his affair. This leaves me wondering how much of his words are lies and self serving.

I went through the bank statements and didn’t see any other liquor store charges but saw weekly small charges for the grocery store, for when I work on weekends. I’m thinking beer.

I don’t know what the heck to think and I don’t trust my judgment anymore. I know my husband has manipulated me in the past, as I’m very gullible and he’s a pro at gaslighting. The problem comes in marriage counseling, I can’t express myself well, and he’s got a snake’s tongue and can turn things around on me. And then I get confused and either don’t know how to disagree, or I end up agreeing because he’s even convinced me!

I pray I can just open up to my Pastor and tell him I feel like giving up…and maybe he can help me not want to. Because I don’t. I don’t want to run away and I don’t want to die. Even if my mind tells me I do, I don’t.

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