So Much Pain. It Hurts to Blink.

Every time I moved in my sleep, my pain woke me up and I involuntarily did a sharp intake of breath. This in turn woke my husband up each time. After about a half dozen or so times, he got frustrated in the dead of night.

“What’s wrong??”

Of course, just because I got woken by my pain, does not mean I was at all alert or coherent in the slightest.

“My legs!”

My husband asked what about my legs and I couldn’t tell him because it really wasn’t my legs (or most severe there) because I was incoherent.

“I don’t know, I’m still sleeping and can’t think, leave me alone.” I really didn’t mean to be short or grumpy but it was probably about 2am and we had both woken up many, many times already. I laid there and thought for a moment and let my mind clear enough to form a sentence.

“It’s my upper body, I’m in so much pain. Every time I move, the pain wakes me up and I involuntarily breathe in sharply. I’m really sorry, I can’t control it.”

Talk about a rough night! I feel so bad for my husband, and yes myself too.

Living with Chronic Pain

I don’t remember the last time my pain was severe enough to do this to me. Yes, it’s been bad enough whereas I do wake up and can’t get back to sleep, but usually I can get a chunk of 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep before that happens.

Yesterday morning my husband proceeded to tell me it was my diet. I quickly corrected him and explained it was because of my moody employee and my trying to appease her. Saturday at work, when she was frustrated with her furry client, I had my assistant help her instead of me.

Why? Because I am not sure. She overreacts, is moody and I cater to her when she has her little moments of panic. I do this because I understand the anxiety, and because I fear her quitting and leaving me high and dry.

No More BS. Period.

I am not letting the fear of her being unhappy and quitting drive my actions anymore when dealing with her. I say this and I pray sincerely that I can hold true to it.

I’m about to go into work and will be facing her for the next two days before I can do some things to have a plan to deal with her appropriately:

  • Seek advice of my therapist. How to handle her on a personal level.
  • Seek advice of a business coach. How to change her pay so I’m not over paying her.
  • Seek advice of my Pastor. How to deal with her on a moral level whereas I don’t feel I’m being a bad Christian.

Ugh. Wish me luck, I feel horrible inside and out today.

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