Stopping the Downward Spiral.

Anxiety kept me from church Sunday, and now I’m going down the rabbit hole of depression and even more anxiety. It feels shallow to admit it stems from not receiving a reply from my Pastor from an email I sent last Thursday.

I have many irrational fears based around the why he hasn’t replied, but I do my best to recognize them as very likely irrational. See what I did there? If not, that’s ok.

The primary emotion is rejection. There’s much depth to the feeling of that rejection, such as I have burdened him, I’m too crazy, or even he thinks I’m lying about my problems for some odd reason. I’d lean toward I’m just too crazy and I’m a burden. I feel I just present too much of an issue.

Logically calm the anxiety.

When faced with fears on a situation, sometimes it’s very easy to just let my mind just keep thinking up worst case scenarios. To stop that path my mind likes to take, I try to think of the logical reasons that are not my worst case scenarios. That’s what my therapist does when I tell her my issue, so I’m cutting out the middle man since I don’t see her for over a week.

1. He’s a busy man and the church has many members. I am not the only person bothering him for his time.

2. He really isn’t sure how to handle someone with religious OCD/scrupulosity and is taking his time in the matter.

3. He is trying to find someone from the church that has the time and personality that won’t scare me, since he mentioned finding someone to come along side me.

Those are kinda my only logical reasons. The rest branch into “possible” to “unlikely”.

Don’t give in to the irrational

The hard part once I identify the likely reasons, is to try not to think on the unlikely ones and let my mind travel with them.

The problem is, I’ve gotten depressed because of the feeling of rejection, so I’ll admit to letting my mind run wild. For me, it seems harder to control my brain functions, if you will, if I’m very depressed or anxious.

I think my Pastor must feel I am just…too much crazy to just come out of the blue. I know I have no idea really what’s going on but my mind loves to play out a million scenarios. In all of them, he continues to ignore me hoping I just go away because I have become too needy and a burden.

How to stop the downward spiral?

I have become proactive in my middle age. I no longer like to just sit around and feel dejected. I analyze what will make the situation better and I act. If telling my husband he has to stop yelling at me and our son or he is out the door will make things better, then bam…there it is (circa early 2020).

But I have thought on this situation and I honestly cannot think of what I can do to help from sinking into a bad place. The desire does not control the emotions, no matter how much I will it.

Today my thoughts were telling me I am horrible and I hate me. Of course that didn’t help my state of mind in the least. I can see how much they feed off of what is fueling my anxiety. I usually feel that knowing and recognizing where thoughts and feelings come from, lessen their “power”. But today it makes no difference.

Results

Results of all my recent internal turmoil? I need to re-examine my ERP tactics and goals, as sitting outside the church was proving to be too difficult and has contributed to my depression when I can’t do it.

I am not going to email my Pastor anymore. I can’t handle this feeling of rejection. The thing is, it wasn’t just this one time when I waited for a reply I felt this way. I know it’s not healthy or normal and I need to work on fixing it.

But from a Thursday to a Tuesday and no reply is not something I can personally handle on a regular basis. Of course it does depend on the contents of an email, but when they are of a private nature and about my mental health and spirituality, for me a response being delayed causes way too much anxiety.

Setback

I feel like a failure today and I feel like I am walking with my head low. I have goals of over coming my OCD related issues, my social anxiety, and being able to do things I want to do happily (go to church to sit and pray in “off” time“).

I’m hoping when I finally do see my therapist next week, she will be able to put me back on the right track. Maybe pick something easier for my ERP therapy that won’t cause me to feel so depressed because I couldn’t do it.

I would say maybe my Pastor will email me back and I’ll feel better, but that’s kinda… I don’t know. I’ve been marinating in all these thoughts I’m convinced he has of rejection and judgement, I don’t think anything he says will affect my feelings now.

I’m fully saturated. (I’m horrible and I hate me)

I hate how my mind works. I wish knowing would make it easier to just make it stop.