Easter is hard for me. I feel guilty for ever feeling bad when people talk about Christ’s suffering. Maybe guilt isn’t the word, it just feels so much more than that. It reinforces my idea that I’m a horrible person that he went through so much for everyone and why do I feel bad about what I’ve been through?
In one of the women’s Christian groups I’m in, one woman was going on and on about can you imagine the mental torment and anguish, and went on for a whole paragraph about everything he suffered. I get the point of her post but I’m not a normal person and the amount of guilt that made me feel, and I feel like a heavy physical manifestation of it which is likely anxiety (feels heavy like guilt)… It’s so overwhelming it’s hard to put into words. It’s a feeling you’d be willing to jump off a bridge to stop from feeling. But obviously that goes against my morals. And it makes sense why I have a self harm compulsion, because that honestly does make the tension kinda release a little.
But no self harm on Easter. At least not active self harm, as I do have the uncontrolled compulsion… so I can’t really count that if I’m not actively choosing to do it. There is a distinct difference in action and in feeling they provide, so it definitely doesn’t count.
Church, made it through
But church was very good today, I enjoyed the message immensely. You can tell in the messages he gives that my Pastor really does care about the people and their well being inside. I feel like that church is going to do great things because the people seem so…earnest? They really care, I guess is what I’m saying.
I had been very worried I was going to have a panic attack and I didn’t, so yay me! That is the highlight of my Easter besides the meal with my family. I do plan on going back to the church tomorrow to sit outside in my car, as the start to my ERP, but I’m scared… even thinking about it now and my chest is extremely tight.
In the afternoon I got exhausted and ended up sleeping, when I really didn’t want or intend to. I worry my thyroid is off, as I’ve been getting exhausted very easily mid-day and evening, even after my evening thyroid pill. If my thyroid is off, that could contribute to mood issues, but I don’t want to guess or assume anything. I will see how this week goes, as last week was hectic in my industry, I should have time to not work as hard. In theory.
Hopefully I don’t start getting overwhelmingly depressed, as honestly, I’ve got enough I’m going through right now.
Easter night turns sour
My husband and I had an “argument”. I say it that way because it was me saying, “Please calm down, I want to have a calm discussion about this.” And then him going off on me, telling me how I’m at fault for the problem and I brought it on myself so I can’t go blaming him.
And I realize where the word triggered comes from. And I’m married to someone who often does this to me, then when I confront him about it, tells me he was just stating facts of the situation. The facts are, it brings me to tears for him to speak to me this way.
I think the issue is that he doesn’t know how to just say, “Hey, actually this is what happened and why I did this.” when he gets at all… angry? The problem is, he gets angry very easy. Hence my plea to him to calm down, which I see is futile. When he’s angry, there’s not really any talking him down.
But, huge but… things are better now than they used to be. Much less yelling at me and our son. Of course in 2019, in marriage counseling I finally said, “I’m not putting up with being yelled at anymore. It’s not acceptable and you’re not going to do it to me anymore.” That counselor congratulated me right then and there and I felt really good. I’m sure my husband felt rather small, but well… good. Stop yelling to communicate when your wife has repeatedly expressed how it’s…extremely distressing. No one deserves to be yelled at, especially by a loved one.
Well, I’m surprised I’ve found my way to calm down now when he’s been his usual buttheadedness. I found that sitting downstairs writing this has calmed me (distraction) and I’m no longer feeling like the horrible human being he had me feeling like.
What a day!