Hate is MY 4 Letter Word

All the hate belongs to me. I own it. It is mine…it is all for me. At least that is how it feels right now. I hate myself so much, it is all consuming and all encompassing. Do I want to feel this way? No. Do I enjoy feeling this way? No!

Why do I hate me and why must I have all the hate for myself? I am just…so over and done with how God made me. And to say something like that, it’s a horrible thing to say! (horrible person, horrible person) He messed up when he made me, because I am just so very broken. Or at least, He let others break me after He worked hard to make a masterpiece. That sounds better actually. I’m a broken Masterpiece. And I hate every little tiny broken piece of me.

I realize what a drama Queen I sound like, and I bask in the glory of it. I am Queen of the Drama Queens for the day. Just for the day. No one likes a drama Queen though… so I try to keep things under wraps. Most times.

I drove by my church this morning and I don’t know why? I saw there were cars outside and I wanted to go in to just sit, but it doesn’t work that way. I really want to email my Pastor and ask if there are people there regularly on the mornings I am off, just so that it is open. Since COVID, churches just aren’t open all the time anymore. I kinda want to just go in and sit and not be bothered though, but for that to happen…I would have to have the guts to ask.

I normally do come in to work and get stuff done on work days in the morning, but my urge to drive was overwhelming. And actually…a lot of the hate from last night and this morning has seemed to lessen. Quite a bit.

But I don’t consider driving and listening to loud music a compulsion, even though I have the extreme urge that I must do it and then it relieves my anxiety. I mean, it’s not one in the traditional sense, because I have control over when I do it, not like my self-harm compulsion, where I have no control and can be unaware (until hubby yells, grabs my hands, smacks them, etc..). I would put it more in the mindfulness category, no? Or am I rationalizing? I have no idea. I did it, and I feel better, it’s not harmful to anyone, anywhere, for any reason whatsoever, so…it is not a compulsion, it is a mindfulness technique. That is my logic and I have no clue whatsoever if it is correct.

What is society’s concern with labeling everything, anyways? I was filled with hate and I feel better. Yes, I will have to do it again, but…that’s with everything, no?

I am procrastinating…I feel like after I post, I will start obsessing over emailing my Pastor about sitting in the church and not being bothered. Actually, I know I will. If I drag this on, I can delay the obsession. Or I can just do it and get it over with? Ha! If I can just get past the obstacle that is my anxious mind.

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