I’m exhausted, inside and out. Mentally drained, physically tired, and I hate that I keep wanting to just…throw in the towel. Literally just throw up my hands and give up. I don’t like feeling this way, it doesn’t feel good…I’ve been down this road before and I know it can get ugly.
I’ve tried to turn more heavily towards my religion and faith. For some reason, it’s not helping. I reached out to my Pastor, which honestly, was so extremely hard for me to do, I’m surprised I actually did it. But I just felt I had to do something because things have gotten so bad in my head. The pastor actually ended up moving into a series targeted toward my struggles. The series has thus far been great, but (always a but)…from that first Sunday of the series I felt a heavy weight entering the church and there was the constant thought, “You’re stupid. I hate me.” (I can explain the mix of 1st-3rd person another time).
This past Sunday the topic was brought up that just because you become a Christian, that doesn’t mean there are any promises of things getting better or going right, etc.. I 100% realize that and have actually accepted that fact long ago. I guess because nothing goes right, pretty much ever. It’s not that I’m a pessimist and see everything all doom and gloom. I’m actually quite the optimist and see the silver lining to everything. The simple fact of the matter is, my life has been a series of unfortunate events, one that it feels like I have had no reprieve from. I just need some kind of break at some point.
I just want to give up, to be 100% honest. I’m so…tired. I really just can’t handle more things continuing to go wrong on a very regular basis. I usually just roll with it, knowing that it’s all part of God’s greater plan. But honestly, I can only handle so much after so many years.
What keeps me going? My son and knowing that my husband would not handle him well. I am the peacekeeper and the levelheaded, calm “nice” parent. Our son is autistic and hard to handle quite often and my husband has a short temper, and honestly, I fear death for the simple fact that I worry my son would definitely not be ok. Plus my intense sense of responsibility. I do everything for everyone, and if I just give up…who is going to then do it? Of course, that’s what’s fueling the desire to give up in the first place…that I do EVERYTHING for everyone. And then the age old…suicide is a sin. And I don’t break rules. I panic if I think I’m going to break a rule or if I’m asked to (i.e. someone telling me to lie about something – which I won’t).
My worry is that one of these days, there’s just going to be one too many “misfortunes”, and I will snap and just not care anymore. It’s how I am where I am now emotionally. So much in a short amount of time, without recovery time. I wish I could at least say “screw it” to everything and crawl into bed for a few days and not come out, for any reason whatsoever. But…too much needs to be done and I would feel guilty. Always doing too much.
I am planning to go to bed early tonight to get some extra rest, but I doubt that will happen. It never does, even though I’ve planned for it for weeks. Wish me luck tonight though.